Agoraphobia as a Gamer

I get asked a fair bit why someone like me spends so much time on World of Warcraft. I usually just avoid the question, saying that I am just "addicted" or deny that I actually play that much. I added up the amount of time I have spent on World of Warcraft (approximately) since I began playing in the summer of 2005. It has been about 197 days, which is about 22% of my time over three years. So, yeah I do play A LOT . . .

I never used to play games that much although I did always enjoy them a little. Just after I started playing WoW, someone important to me passed away. It was rough, but WoW was good for a distraction, and I think that is when I really started playing too much. I went on anti-depressants a few months later and was on them for about a year. I didn't really like how they effected me, so when I was a bit better I went off them, convinced that I could just deal on my own. I did, but something else happened.

My mother was a house bound Agoraphobic for years when I was very young. I had never had an issue with it that I had noticed until after I went off the anti-depressants. I had always preferred having friends over to my place instead of going to theirs, and suffered from what I assumed was a normal fear of school so I guess I had mild Agoraphobia even back then, but I had a lot of friends and my family was always encouraging me to go out and do things, so I learned to deal with it. Anti-depressants can treat Agoraphobia, which is basically just a fear of being somewhere that does not feel "safe" and having a panic attack. When I was on anti-depressants, the anxiety and Agoraphobia were basically non existent, and when I was through my depression, and went off the meds, suddenly I had all this strong anxiety of going out that I had never felt before.

I believe I would have been forced, or forced myself to go out had I gotten bored enough staying home. The place I worked closed a few months after I started on my anti-depressants, so I was not working, and I lived at my mom's house with my boyfriend. He covered my share of the rent, and always had because he made more than enough, so I didn't need to work. I still went out with friends, but it was usually only driving around or drinking somewhere. Being drunk allowed me to ignore my anxiety, and my friend's car became one of my "safe" places. I did start staying in more and more however, because there was always something going on in World of Warcraft that made me want to play and most of the time that was more appealing than going out.

Last year the few friends I still hung out with got tired of me staying in all the time. I was living in a new apartment with my boyfriend and saw no real reason to go anywhere because I could have all the fun in the world in my place. It was only after my friends stopped talking to me that I began to wonder what was wrong with me. I never wanted to go out and was always trying to avoid it. I wouldn't even walk to the store that I could see from my window unless someone was with me. Over the last year it has gotten to the point where I only leave the house when I have to walk a block to either my mom's house or my aunt's house for a holiday, and I always have someone to walk with.

I started wondering recently when I reached level 70 on my 6th character on WoW (something that takes about 20 days of play time for me) if WoW was a decent substitute for the social interaction that I was lacking. It definitely satisfied me enough that I didn't mind staying in all the time and only really seeing my roommate and family. There were times when I wished my Internet friends could just hop out of the computer screen and give me a hug on my bad days, but overall I was happy with my life. Sure, I envied the people that were out there travelling the world and working and meeting new people and having memorable romances, but with my imagination I didn't really feel like I was missing out on that much.

I am starting to worry a little now. WoW makes it so I don't feel the need to fix my Agoraphobia, and the main way to get rid of it is by forcing yourself to go out places. I am basically happy with my life the way it is. I have a treadmill, I talk to my friends on Ventrillo, I write and paints and draw until my mind is dead, watch so many movies, but I can't help wondering if I am missing out on my life. I was always interested in travelling when I was younger, and that urge is now gone completely, which is fine, unless it is only gone because of my Agoraphobia. I just don't want to be on my death bed years from now and be like, "Wow, my life was pathetic!".

I think that the only way for me to force myself to go out is if I get bored enough of staying in my apartment. I could cancel WoW, but I truly believe that before I would get bored enough to go out, I would just reactivate it! I am totally trapped! Maybe I'll get fed up with being like this in time, but for now I am happy enough that I know I'm not going to make myself change. I have WoW and writing to keep me busy, and my apartment has a lot of windows. I miss the beach sometimes, but I would have no one to go with these days, and would never go alone . . .